What is Your Trust Quotient?

What is your trust quotient? Very trusting of others? Too trusting of some people? Distrusting of almost everyone?

How did we come to be who we are when it comes to the matter of trust? Since a good marriage and other important relationships depend on trust, it’s important for us to think some about these questions.

You may not have to search any further than your family of origin to understand why you trust the way you do. If you grew up in an environment that was emotionally stable it is likely you don’t have lots of trouble trusting others. However, if you grew up uncertain of the love of your parents, feeling you might be abandoned or that you had to earn their affection, you have probably struggled with trust issues. If you were a child of divorced parents this could also cause serious problems in trusting others. Abuse and neglect are also fertile soil for distrust.

“Well,” you may ask, “How does my trust quotient possibly affect my marriage?” Let me explain what could be happening. Transference is a term which means that we are acting in or reacting to a current situation based on past experience. For example, John says to his wife, Melanie, “I’m not your father. I’ve told you the truth and you refuse to believe me because your dad always lied to you.”John is saying that Melanie is accusing him of treating her the way her father did. She is transferring feelings of distrust and anger from her experience with her dad to her husband. There may be absolutely no rational basis for her behavior.

Obviously, John will feel like he is under scrutiny a good deal of the time and any slip up will bring the accusation, “You don’t love me.” Hopefully, he will see that, although he is trustworthy, he will need to be especially patient with Melanie in order to help her build the trust which will make the marriage work. Melanie will need to get some insight into how she has developed this deficit of trust and work through the emotional damage done to her so she can live with some sense of assurance and comfort in her relationship with John.

Trust Your Spouse?

There is no way to overstate the importance of trust in marriage. Trust is to your marriage what your heart is to your body. Trust is absolutely indispensable to a healthy marriage. Therefore, our character and the things we do to earn trust are vital if we are to have a good marriage.

What I have just said implies at least two important things about trust. First, trust is a basic need in your marriage. Being able to depend on each other to respect your deepest feelings and needs builds security and gives comfort. When this is not true good communication is absent and there is a sense of anxiety and loneliness in the marriage. When your word cannot be relied on in ordinary, everyday transactions the foundation of trust is eroded and a deeper problem is often lurking just under the surface: If I can’t trust you in the small things, how can I trust you with my heart? Trust is basic to your marriage.

Another idea I want you to consider is that trust is learned. There is a real sense in which most of us didn’t really know our mate when we first married. Perhaps we had developed a certain level of trust strong enough to take a big chance on marriage. But, if our marriage has grown the way it should, we have had to continue developing trust in our spouse .The biggest issue for couples in this area, I think, is whether you believe your spouse is really trying to be unselfish and to look out for your best interest. If that trust is there you can continue to grow through mistakes by forgiving each other and address the areas where you need to grow. As you mature together in your love you will find that you have learned more and more how to trust each other.

Not all people enter into the venture of marriage with the same ability to trust and this can be a problem in making the marriage work. Why is this and what do you need to do if you are in this situation? We’ll look at this in the next blog.

How to Build Trust In your Marriage

How do you build trust in your marriage?

It’s a wonderful thing to be in a marriage where you trust your partner. Such trust builds security and hope, diminishes anxiety and fear and makes the challenges of family life much easier to deal with. 

In my previous blogs I have dealt with the importance of trust and many situations which present us with the opportunity to build trust with each other. In this blog I want to be very direct in my approach and give you some advice which will be pointed and explicit on how to build trust in your marriage.

Make it easy for your spouse to tell the truth. If you think I’m saying that we can do something to help our spouse be truthful with us you are correct. Influence is the key issue here. You cannot make your husband/wife be honest with you but you can create an environment which can make it easier to be honest.

Think about this for a moment. Has there been someone in your life with whom you have felt safe to be yourself? What is it about that person that allowed you to be truthful about what you felt or where you had goofed up?

If you have been fortunate enough to have that person in your life I would say they offered you these things: a non-judgmental attitude, unconditional acceptance, understanding and a listening ear. These qualities create an environment which makes it easier for us to be truthful.

Pay attention to the things you need to do and things you need to avoid to make honesty an integral part of your marriage. Obviously, there are actions, attitudes or habits you will want to eradicate if you want to build a positive environment for truthfulness.

First, drop the critical attitude. Allow for human error and recognize that you are mistake oriented, too. Quit seeking perfection in your spouse until you have achieved that lofty goal for yourself.

 Second, be generous with grace and mercy. Make allowances for personality differences and areas of weakness in your spouse.

Third, be quick to encourage and praise. Look for strengths and encourage your spouse’s efforts to improve. Few things help the marriage more than an attitude that is positive and looks for opportunity to encourage your spouse.

Fourth, listen with your heart as well as your ears. Listening is hard work. If you work hard and intelligently at it you will be rewarded with a deepened relationship which will grow in understanding and trust.

Parenting and The Trust Factor

Do you realize your parenting affects the trust factor in your marriage?

One of the most important areas in which trust is built or destroyed in marriage is how you deal with your children. Having children, for most couples, is the easy part. Rearing those children to become healthy, responsible people is not so easy. Let’s face it; children are expensive and can be a lot of work if you do child rearing as you should.

There was a time in our country when the basic idea was that the husband earned the money and the wife did most, if not all, of the child raising.This attitude, I believe, is a very limited view of how parenting ought to be done. Thankfully, I see many young fathers taking a very active role in the care and discipline of their children. This is as it should be and builds strong ties with the child and trust with the wife.

However, there are moms and dads who, because of laziness, selfishness, or some other reason, put the work of parenting on their spouse. This is hurtful to the child and undermines the trust that is so basic to the marriage. What is there that a couple has that should be more important than the child they have brought into the world? To neglect the rearing of your child is a sin against the very marriage that gave the child its life. Such neglect can do nothing but destroy trust in your marriage.

As you realize, there is a lot more to rearing your child than the physical care and nurture they require. They are moral, spiritual beings which need guidance and spiritual foundations. Your time is limited,there is only a relatively small amount of time you have to lay the foundations of character and faith upon which the remainder of your child’s life will be built.

So, commit to work together to rear your child to have a positive influence on the world. By doing this you will build a trusting relationship in your marriage and give your child the character and balance he/she needs to face the challenges of life.

How Dependable Are You?

How dependable are you? The way in which you keep your word and do, or neglect to do, what you are supposed to do affects trust in your marriage. One word that aptly describes the idea I’m getting at is dependability. This is not so much about deliberately lying or misleading your spouse but whether or not he/she can depend on you to do what you’ve agreed to do.

Dependability covers a broad range of issues: faithfulness, truthfulness, and all the little things husbands and wives do to make their marriage healthy and secure. Marriage involves lots of mundane, ordinary stuff that has to be done to keep the household running smoothly. Most of this stuff is not glamorous or fun but it needs to be done. And, somebody needs to do it.

How does the stuff we need to do build trust? Let’s suppose you and your spouse both have jobs to support your lifestyle. And, let’s say the two of you have agreed on a division of work to be done to keep the household functioning well. For example, you have agreed to do the basic cleaning while your spouse has agreed to pay the bills. What happens when the bathroom is nasty and not cleaned for several weeks? Or, how does a pattern of late payments affect your trust of your spouse?

You and your spouse need agreements about who does what in the maintenance of your residence and the work that maintains your family. Where such agreements do not exist resentment grows and arguments are not far away. (Perhaps the arguments will lead to agreements). When the agreements are made, it is essential that you do your job in a way that says to your spouse: “You can depend on me to keep my word to you.” It’s amazing how dependability in these smaller matters builds up the foundation of trust so important to your marriage. Think about it.

Personal Faithfulness

What does a marriage look like where trust is intact in many areas of everyday life? Such a marriage is not free of problems or stain but it does have a sense of partnership and cooperation in dealing with life’s issues which makes marriage very satisfying and successful.

To more completely answer the question posed above I want to deal with some specific situations in marriage where trust is a core issue. Some would say that not having trust in these areas is a “deal breaker” or grounds for ending the marriage. All the areas I mention are important but do not, in my opinion, carry the same weight in the marriage. There is only one that is, by its very nature, destructive to the bond between a man and a woman. And, this issue I will deal with first.

Personal faithfulness. The bottom line is: you must be able to trust your spouse to be faithful to your marriage vows. Marriage is between you and your spouse, an exclusive relationship where there is no room for another person.

We are all human and can be tempted to betray our vows. Therefore, great care must be taken to protect our marriage and not become involved in an emotional affair or in activities that can lead to physical acts that betray our spouse. Trust is destroyed, and oftentimes the marriage with it, if there is a betrayal in this area. A decision to be unfaithful is tragic and leads to lifelong consequences which hurt many people.

Marriages can be restored where unfaithfulness has taken place if there is true repentance and great effort to rebuild the trust that has been broken. However, the offended spouse will also have some difficult work to do. They will need time to work through the process of forgiving and learning to trust again; a process which may take years to accomplish. It can be done and a strong marriage can be built from the pain.

Guard your heart. Keep it only for your spouse. You owe nothing to another man or woman that should cause you to dishonor yourself, your spouse or God.

The Trust Factor: Marriage (part one)

Trust is vital in marriage. I recently heard of a situation where a young wife had discovered her husband was having an affair. When she confronted him about his unfaithfulness and the marriage vows he took he replied, “That’s just a piece of paper.” The “piece of paper” he was referencing was, of course, the marriage license. There are several things wrong with a scenario like this.

First, adultery is wrong. It is a breach of trust between a man and a woman who have agreed to be faithful to each other. There may be lots of excuses as to why a person succumbs to this temptation but there is no real justification for it. If a person isn’t mature enough to keep their libido in check they shouldn’t take on the responsibility of marriage. Adultery is the breaking of the trust which is vital to a healthy marriage. Trust can be repaired but only through a truly repentant attitude and hard work.

Second, there was probably a lot of misplaced trust in this situation. Sometimes, people allow passion to over rule wisdom. All of us need to be loved but we may fail to use caution when giving our love to someone else. Why? Because our desire and need for the security of being loved is so strong that we may naively accept the other person’s “I love you” as the real deal. The truth is that lots of folks talk about love without the foggiest notion of what real love is. But, we want to be “loved’ and are liable to fall for any counterfeit.In the instance cited above, trust was blind and naive.

Third, situations such as this cause me to question the character of those involved. I tend to see adultery in this instance as a symptom of a dysfunctional marriage. Something at the core of the marriage wasn’t right. There was no solid basis for trust because there wasn’t character to build on.

When a man and woman have committed to each other to be honest and meet each other’s needs a solid trust develops. The glue that holds relationships together in tough times involves the trust that has been built by the way they have cared for each other before the tough times come. We learn to trust our spouse, or vice versa, because we know them.

Trustworthiness is a part of good character and it is wise to have a good idea about the “character” you are thinking about marrying before you say “I do.”

More on this in The Trust Factor: Marriage (part two)

How Cute Is Your Kid?

Appearance is a big deal in our superficial society. To be cute or handsome is “good” and to not be”blessed” with good looks is not so good. The word “cute” ranks in the top 20% of words in use today. We have been so indoctrinated by this value system that we tend to see people differently based on their physical attractiveness. Do you believe your kid’s true worth should be measured by how he or she registers on the “attractive” scale?  I certainly hope not.

A parent with this type of narcissistic obsession can cause real problems for their child. If you put too much importance on outward beauty, your child may come to believe his worth is based on how cute he is. This is a dangerous way to value your self. Why? Think about it. Accidents, illness and aging can rob you of what has made you important.

God certainly does not value us based on our looks. He loves all people the same, regardless of external factors. What he does value highly in people is character; traits such as honesty, faithfulness, integrity, concern for others, etc..

How we look physically is basically determined at conception.  We had no choice in the color or texture of our hair, skin tones, basic body structure or gender. While we can alter our appearance through colors, cosmetics and surgeries the fact remains that to base one’s value solely on looks is a shortsighted and dangerous path.

If your child doesn’t learn to accept the way he looks as a result of genetics he will likely see himself as superior or inferior to others based on comparisons. Beauty or handsomeness is a superficial thing and over time a dependence on this quality to get you by in life will not bring good results.

If you are the parent of a particularly beautiful or handsome child I think you face a rather difficult challenge. You hear comments of how handsome your child is and this can become a source of pride for you. Be careful not to become distracted from what is really important in the long term for your child; his character. Your child can’t do much to alter his/her basic appearance but can choose the kind of person they want to be.

Do you want to learn more about how to help your child develop a solid self-esteem? See the chapter titled “Beloved” in my book at https://smashwords.com/books/view/138381. (ctrl & right click+open)

Is Your Child Special ?

 Does your child know he is special ?

When our son, Nathan, was small his mom would often ask him this question,”If all the little boys in the world lined up and I got to pick out anyone I wanted,do you know who I would choose?” I can still hear his giggling, happy “me” in response to her question. This was just one of many ways my wife and I sought to communicate a highly important message to our children. That message was: You are very important to us.

Is there anything you could give your child that is more valuable or potentially life-changing than a sense of being special? There is no substitute or rival to his sense of being really important to you. This is an unparalleled gift, one he cannot buy or earn or should feel compelled to do so. This is a gift from a parent’s heart, a gift of grace. This gift of acceptance is the cornerstone of emotional and spiritual health. Only when this piece of life’s puzzle is in place do the other pieces begin to fall into place also.

When parents fail to give their child a sense of acceptance; of being loved for who they are, the child is left to search for that important, missing piece in other places. As you can imagine, people attempt to try to find meaning to their life in many different ways. The bottom line is that we all need to feel loved, to be accepted for who we are.

This sense of being special we seek to instill in our child is not something we can do by doing any certain thing. Feeling loved is a by-product, a result of paying attention to three aspects of your child’s life. In other words, there are three areas which are very important to your child’s sense of himself. Your child’s view of his physical self, his sense of accomplishment or defeat and the views of significant others toward him combine to help him feel good about himself or not so good. Go to my book, Parenting With a Purposehttp://www.smashwords.com/books/view/138381  for more detail on these areas..

Why Did God Give You A Child?

How do you answer this question, “Why did God give you a child?” Children can be difficult, it’s true, but God has placed your child or children in your life to do something for you. God has different ways to grow us. While you are their parent, they may be the instrument through which God teaches you some life-altering truths.

The bottom line of life is relationships. God gave you a child as a way to enhance your relationship with him. God can use your child in many ways to remind you of how much he loves you. There are times, no doubt, you feel almost overwhelmed by your love for your child. Perhaps these times are a good reminder of the even greater love God has for you. See if you agree with the following reasons why God gave you a child:

Your child can be your teacher in matters of trust and total dependence. They show us how our heavenly father wants us to trust him. Your young child doesn’t worry about the necessities of life because he trusts you to provide for his needs. In the same way, God wants us to trust him to give us what we need. Read Matthew 7:9-11 to see how Jesus illustrates this idea.

God can also use your children to renew your wonder about life. The stress and strain of everyday life can suck the joy and wonder out of us and we can forget that life is really a miracle. Holding a newborn or looking into the wonder-struck eyes of a child looking at a butterfly can revive a sense of wonder in us. Taking time to see the world through the eyes of a child can help us see the awesome power and greatness of our loving Creator and Lord.

And, God can use your child to renew your hope about life and its purpose. As you read this blog, there is trouble throughout the world; wars, natural disasters, financial calamities, and human suffering. Why would thinking people want to bring children into a world like this? Hope, that’s why. As a believer you can rear your child to serve the Lord and make an eternal difference in the lives of others.

Isn’t it wonderful that God gave you a child to teach you about what it means to trust and to remind you about the wonder that surrounds you every moment?