Do you realize your parenting affects the trust factor in your marriage?
One of the most important areas in which trust is built or destroyed in marriage is how you deal with your children. Having children, for most couples, is the easy part. Rearing those children to become healthy, responsible people is not so easy. Let’s face it; children are expensive and can be a lot of work if you do child rearing as you should.
There was a time in our country when the basic idea was that the husband earned the money and the wife did most, if not all, of the child raising.This attitude, I believe, is a very limited view of how parenting ought to be done. Thankfully, I see many young fathers taking a very active role in the care and discipline of their children. This is as it should be and builds strong ties with the child and trust with the wife.
However, there are moms and dads who, because of laziness, selfishness, or some other reason, put the work of parenting on their spouse. This is hurtful to the child and undermines the trust that is so basic to the marriage. What is there that a couple has that should be more important than the child they have brought into the world? To neglect the rearing of your child is a sin against the very marriage that gave the child its life. Such neglect can do nothing but destroy trust in your marriage.
As you realize, there is a lot more to rearing your child than the physical care and nurture they require. They are moral, spiritual beings which need guidance and spiritual foundations. Your time is limited,there is only a relatively small amount of time you have to lay the foundations of character and faith upon which the remainder of your child’s life will be built.
So, commit to work together to rear your child to have a positive influence on the world. By doing this you will build a trusting relationship in your marriage and give your child the character and balance he/she needs to face the challenges of life.
How dependable are you? The way in which you keep your word and do, or neglect to do, what you are supposed to do affects trust in your marriage. One word that aptly describes the idea I’m getting at is dependability. This is not so much about deliberately lying or misleading your spouse but whether or not he/she can depend on you to do what you’ve agreed to do.
Dependability covers a broad range of issues: faithfulness, truthfulness, and all the little things husbands and wives do to make their marriage healthy and secure. Marriage involves lots of mundane, ordinary stuff that has to be done to keep the household running smoothly. Most of this stuff is not glamorous or fun but it needs to be done. And, somebody needs to do it.
How does the stuff we need to do build trust? Let’s suppose you and your spouse both have jobs to support your lifestyle. And, let’s say the two of you have agreed on a division of work to be done to keep the household functioning well. For example, you have agreed to do the basic cleaning while your spouse has agreed to pay the bills. What happens when the bathroom is nasty and not cleaned for several weeks? Or, how does a pattern of late payments affect your trust of your spouse?
You and your spouse need agreements about who does what in the maintenance of your residence and the work that maintains your family. Where such agreements do not exist resentment grows and arguments are not far away. (Perhaps the arguments will lead to agreements). When the agreements are made, it is essential that you do your job in a way that says to your spouse: “You can depend on me to keep my word to you.” It’s amazing how dependability in these smaller matters builds up the foundation of trust so important to your marriage. Think about it.
What does a marriage look like where trust is intact in many areas of everyday life? Such a marriage is not free of problems or stain but it does have a sense of partnership and cooperation in dealing with life’s issues which makes marriage very satisfying and successful.
To more completely answer the question posed above I want to deal with some specific situations in marriage where trust is a core issue. Some would say that not having trust in these areas is a “deal breaker” or grounds for ending the marriage. All the areas I mention are important but do not, in my opinion, carry the same weight in the marriage. There is only one that is, by its very nature, destructive to the bond between a man and a woman. And, this issue I will deal with first.
Personal faithfulness. The bottom line is: you must be able to trust your spouse to be faithful to your marriage vows. Marriage is between you and your spouse, an exclusive relationship where there is no room for another person.
We are all human and can be tempted to betray our vows. Therefore, great care must be taken to protect our marriage and not become involved in an emotional affair or in activities that can lead to physical acts that betray our spouse. Trust is destroyed, and oftentimes the marriage with it, if there is a betrayal in this area. A decision to be unfaithful is tragic and leads to lifelong consequences which hurt many people.
Marriages can be restored where unfaithfulness has taken place if there is true repentance and great effort to rebuild the trust that has been broken. However, the offended spouse will also have some difficult work to do. They will need time to work through the process of forgiving and learning to trust again; a process which may take years to accomplish. It can be done and a strong marriage can be built from the pain.
Guard your heart. Keep it only for your spouse. You owe nothing to another man or woman that should cause you to dishonor yourself, your spouse or God.
Do you realize your fears can hinder your child’s physical development? Yes,that’s true and your child’s inability to accomplish certain ordinary things can work against his confidence and positive view of himself. Let me explain.
Several years ago Joey (not his real name), about ten, was brought to me because he had almost become paralyzed by his fear of bugs. He didn’t want to play outside and, therefore, avoided it whenever possible. Instead of engaging in outdoor activities he developed a strong attachment to video games he could play inside. The parents did little to counter his fears until Joey insisted he wanted to join the Boy Scouts. That’s when they brought him to me.
The parents were concerned that “scouting” would put him in situations where he would encounter bugs and many different kinds of critters.(I believe, in his own way, Joey was asking for help).After building trust with him, we did activities to ally his fear of bugs. Through much work, he actually came to the place where he could hold a bug in his hand, a great accomplishment!
The bigger issue I found was that Joey was severely limited in many things a ten-year-old might do. He could not ride a bicycle and was woefully behind in his ability to hit a ball or play other games boys his age could play. The source of Joey’s problem was his mother’s fear which resulted in over-protection. The father, to this point, had been complicit in that he had not pushed back against her emotional control of Joey. The road ahead for Joey and the development of a good sense of himself would be more difficult than it had to be because he was physically behind in several skills. Of course, this delay affected his confidence in social relations as well.
As a parent you have lots of influence on your child’s physical,emotional and social development. You must realize what your fears are and not impose them on your child.While it is your job to protect your child from situations they cannot handle you must also realize your child needs to be allowed to do things that can be hurtful. Of course, your child could be stung by an insect. Of course, he could have a wreck on a bicycle. Yes, he could be hit by a ball. However, taking risks is a part of the process of growing up. It is your job to encourage certain risks which can lead to skill development and the building of confidence. Choose activities that are age-appropriate and do what you can to keep your child safe.
Allowing your child to acquire game skills and other individual physical skills is part of helping him develop a good sense of himself. Being able to participate in things other boys and girls do also has the potential for building social and emotional skills.