Parental perfection is not the goal in this area. However, mindfulness about the power of our influence should cause us to use great care about our words and actions. Some parents have great difficulty controlling their emotions and say and do careless and hurtful things which are not easily forgotten by their child.

The problem I have often observed with some parents is that they are hardly more emotionally mature than their children. They pout and sulk when they don’t get their way. They explode or withdraw when they get angry. The children of this immature, childish parent are often damaged by this emotionally toxic environment. Solution: grow up.

The key to being an emotionally responsible parent is to hold yourself responsible for your actions. It is important to understand a few basic principles regarding  this. First, your child (or anyone else) doesn’t Make you angry. Anger is your choice. You own it and it is yours. Second, what you do with your emotions is your responsibility. You are accountable for how you act and what you say. Third, to change irresponsible behavior you must acknowledge your wrong and fix it with your child. After a sincere apology or two you may begin to discover how distasteful your behavior is and discipline yourself in order to change it.

Parental love seeks to do what is in the best interest of your child. The way you handle your frustrations with him will go a long way in determining his sense of himself.

The last several blogs I have done have dealt with two major factors influencing your child’s sense of himself; his physical self and sense of accomplishment and defeat. The third and most important factor in your child’s personal sense of value is how significant others, especially you, view him. This is an awesome privilege and responsibility!

As his parent you have a uniquely influential role in how your child values or devalues himself. No one’s opinions and attitudes are as important as yours in the life of your young child. The early impression he gains about himself from you tend to be very powerful for most of his life.

Try to imagine yourself as a large mirror into which your child is constantly gazing. In that mirror (you) he is picking up attitudes or feelings about himself. To a large degree, this is what is happening on an emotional level between you and your child. Your child has an uncanny ability to interpret the meaning of what you say or do at an emotional level.

Don’t be alarmed by this and think you can never make a mistake with your child lest you ruin them for life. While we want to avoid any possible damage our words or actions may cause our child it is the repeated and uncorrected errors that do the most damage. If you have a negative way of talking with your child he will eventually believe what you keep saying about him. He will believe himself to be what you say he is.

Good parents understand their need to discipline themselves in the way they treat their children. They know their words and actions have the power to bless or curse their children. Good parents also know they are human and make mistakes with their children. And good parents apologize and change their behavior when they mess up.

We are not all equally endowed but we are all of equal value to God. Remember this about your child. Some are tall while some are short. Some are particularly pretty or handsome while some are not. Some are more athletic than others and some are more intellectually gifted than others. But all are equally loved by God.

We are not to place value on our children based on personal attractiveness, athletic prowess or any other external factor. Your child is valuable because he is made in God’s image and God has a purpose for him.

When you think of it, little children are quite helpless and dependent. They don’t earn money or know much about the ways of “success” in the world. If you put it like that you would be forced to conclude that little children probably aren’t worth very much. However, Jesus spoke of them this way,  …”of such is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:14).

One of the many important truths we can learn from the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25: 14-30) is that we are responsible for the gifts we have received whether great or small.We are to help our child discover his gifts, interests and abilities and use all of these for the glory of God.

Your child’s sense of personal respect is built when he does well regarding the gifts he has been given. He needs to gradually learn his capabilities and discipline himself to live up to his capabilities.Your role is to be a coach or mentor.

When your child is lazy or careless you need to challenge him and help him learn to correct his mistakes. The development of this self-knowledge will take time and patience on your part. You will need to allow your child to experiment, make mistakes and and discover what is of real interest to him.

A few days after the crushing loss I asked one of the players on the losing team the following question, “What did you learn from losing?”  The eight-year-old replied quickly, “To never lose again.” Losing is painful but it happens to all of us in one way or the other. Hopefully, this child can learn to lose without being a loser.

Are we, as a society, obsessed with winning? Winning does seem better than the other option but it is unrealistic to think you can and will win all the time. An even more misguided assumption is to believe you are more valuable as a person if you win than if you lose.

As parents we need to rear children who are true winners. We need to teach our children they are winners when they give their best effort. The final score or the grade are not what’s really most important.

I firmly believe children can receive great benefit from competitive games such as teamwork, individual responsibility and skill development. However, I also believe a child’s sense of self can be damaged if he is made to feel accepted on the basis of whether he wins or loses. Refrain from being overly critical and attempt to accentuate the positive and deal gently with suggestions for improvement.

Of course, the attachment of self worth can happen in areas other than sports activities. Academics, music, and many other areas have the same possibilities for good or bad effects on your child’s sense of self. The issue in all these endeavors is to help your child realize he is a winner if he gives his best effort. He can’t hit a home run every time. He may not make the highest grades in class. The issue is for the child to be proud of himself because he made a good effort.

The last several blogs have been concerned with how one’s view of his physical body affects his sense of self. You may want to read those entries if you have not already done so.

Another important aspect of your child’s sense of himself is how he views what he does in school, sports, music, relationships and various other pursuits.

Obviously, if your child is able to have some level of accomplishment in these areas he gains confidence and, therefore, tends to feel good about himself. Over time the ability to accomplish may lead to venturing out into more challenging pursuits. All children like to accomplish and the feelings of pride and confidence that come with it.

You can greatly aid your child in this area by doing a couple of things. First, involve him or her in helping around the house. Remember, they want to feel big and able to do important things. Start early to teach them to be a “helper.” Teach them to fold clothes, work in the yard, load the dishwasher and do various other tasks. Second, choose tasks they are capable of doing and thank them and praise them for what they do.

As you involve your child in helpful activities around the house you are doing several important things in addition to helping your child’s sense of himself. You are preparing him to learn to work. You are also demonstrating that families can and need to share in the work of the family. And you are also preparing your child for the time he will be  independent from you.

Defeat is difficult for all of us to accept .Defeat from time to time can be a good thing if handled correctly. But I’m not concerned here with the occasional loss of a game or getting a grade in school that is less than desirable.

What should concern us as parents is a pattern of defeat which discourages our child to the point they feel hopeless. Your child can play on a team that loses every game but not have a defeated attitude about life. Why? Because other aspects of his life where he feels successful and secure can counterbalance occasional losses.

TO BE CONTINUED.

A parent with this type of narcissistic obsession can cause real problems for their child. If you put too much importance on outward beauty, your child may come to believe his worth is based on how he looks. This is a dangerous way to value your self. Why? Think about it. Accidents, illness and aging can rob you of what has made you important.

Who we are and how we look physically is basically determined at conception.  We had  no choice in the color or texture of our hair, skin tones, basic body structure or gender. While we can alter our appearance through colors, cosmetics and surgeries the fact remains that  to base one’s value solely on looks is a shortsighted and dangerous choice.

If your child doesn’t learn to accept the way he looks as a result of genetics he will likely see himself as superior or inferior to others based on comparisons. Beauty or handsomeness is a superficial thing and over time a dependence on this quality to get you by in life will not bring good results.

If you are the parent of a particularly beautiful or handsome child I think you face a rather difficult challenge. You hear comments of how handsome your child is and this can become a source of pride for you. Be careful not to become distracted from what is really important in the long term for your child; his character.

Several years ago Joey, about ten, was brought to me because he had almost become paralyzed by his fear of bugs. He didn’t want to play outside and, therefore, avoided it whenever possible. Instead of engaging in outdoor activities he developed a strong attachment to video games he could play inside. The parents did little to counter this problem until Joey insisted he wanted to join the Boy Scouts.

The parents knew joining the Scouts would put him in situations where he would encounter bugs and many different kinds of critters. (I believe, in his own way, Joey was asking for help). After building trust with him, we did activities to allay his fear of bugs. He actually came to the place where he could hold a bug in his hand, a great accomplishment!

The bigger issue I found was that Joey was severely limited in many things a ten-year-old might do. He could not ride a bicycle and was woefully behind in his ability to hit a ball or play other games boys his age could play.

The source of Joey’s problem was his mother’s fear or overprotection. The father, to this point, had been complicit in that he had not pushed back against her emotional control of Joey. The road ahead for Joey and the development of a good sense of himself would be more difficult than it had to be because he was physically behind in several skills. Of course, this delay affected his confidence in social relations as well.

As a parent you have lots of influence on your child’s physical development. You must realize what your fears are and not impose them on your child. While it is your job to protect your child from situations he cannot handle you must also realize your child needs to be allowed to do things that can be hurtful.

Of course, your child could be stung by and insect. Of course, he could have a wreck on a bicycle. Yes, he could be hit by a ball. Choose activities that are age-appropriate and do what you can to keep your child safe. Don’t over-protect.

Allowing your child to acquire game skills and other individual physical skills is part of helping him develop a good sense of himself. Being able to participate in things other boys and girls do also has the potential for building social skills.

A major factor in how your child learns to think about himself is how he learns to think about his body and physical functions. Your child is a spirit or soul with a physical body.

His view of his body will play an important role in how he cares for his body. His general appearance, how he attends to his health, how he deals with bodily changes and  the how he expresses his sexuality will be affected by the degree of his appreciation for his body.

Perhaps it is good for us to be reminded that God created our body as the highest of all things in his created order (Genesis 1:27). The Psalmist reflected on the awesomeness of his body in this way, “…I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)  Remember also that God took on the form of a human body and came to live among us and give his body a sacrifice for us in the person of Jesus Christ. The scriptural view is that our body is of great value. Our body is a major part of our identity.

One of the child’s first understandings that he is separate from his mother come from his exploration of his hands or feet. This awareness of self continues to grow as his abilities to turn over, sit up, crawl and walk develop. He is beginning to discovery he has a body that can do wonderful things. During these early months and years it is very important that his caregivers attend to his physical needs in a consistent way. Having his bodily needs met consistently is one way he learns to trust.

As your child grows he will become increasingly aware of his body. There will be a natural push to grow bigger and be able to tackle more challenging tasks. As he is encouraged to do things he is capable of doing he will gain more confidence in himself and be willing to try new challenges. Thus, his physical accomplishments help build a positive sense of himself.

More on this in the next blog.

Is there anything you could give your child that is more valuable or potentially life-changing than a sense of specialness? No, there is no substitute or rival to his sense of being special to you.  This is a gift from your heart to your child’s heart. Such acceptance is the cornerstone of emotional and spiritual health. Only when this piece of life’s puzzle is in place do the other pieces begin to fall into place also. This is an unparalleled gift, one he cannot buy or earn or should feel compelled to do so.

When parents fail to give their child a sense of acceptance , of being loved for who they are, the child is left to search for that important , missing piece in other places. As you can imagine, people attempt to try to find meaning to their life in many different ways. Unfortunately, the seach to be loved leads some into disastrous relationships and life choices. The bottom line is that we all need to feel loved, to be accepted for who we are.

This sense of “specialness” we seek to instill in our child is not something we can do by doing any certain thing. Feeling loved is a by-product, a result of paying attention to three aspects of your child’s life. In other words, there are three areas which are very important to your child’s sense of himself. Your child’s view of his physical self, his sense of accomplishment or defeat and the views of significant others toward him combine to help him feel good about himself or not so good.

We will explore these three aspects of your child’s sense of self in the upcoming blogs. Stay tuned.

Your child, like you, is a complex person. He has intellectual, physical, social and emotional needs. These areas overlap and interrelate. You have seen how one  part of his life affects the other. For example, when he is sick he has more difficulty controlling his emotions. When he feels good about himself he tends to do better in social and intellectual pursuits.

What about your child’s spiritual life? This area of his life encompasses the intellectual, emotional, social and physical realms of his life. His total life has “spiritual” aspects. It involves his relationship with himself, God and others.

The very foundation of his spiritual life is how he does or does not learn to love himself. How does he come to love or respect himself except through the way in which his physical, social, emotional and intellectual needs are met?  That’s where you, the parent , come in .

Your primary job in your child’s spiritual development is to lay foundations for a genuine faith relationship with God. Your teaching through word and a caring example are powerful forces for good for your child. When you promote the well-being of your child intellectually, socially, emotionally or physically you are helping him spiritually. Why? Because you are teaching him to love himself as a whole person. Out of that self-respect your child can grow to love God supremely and others as himself.

Be warned, I’m not talking here about just being “religious.” Many children have been driven away from God by religious parents who tried to force religion down their throat instead of just simply loving them. They lectured instead of listening and condemned the child’s mistakes. True parental religion involves loving your child as a whole person.